When my kids were little, we had the rule, “You can’t say can’t.” Instead, you could use one of three alternatives.
- I need help to . . .
- I need more time to . . .
- I don’t want to . . .
For Example
Child: I can’t swim.
Mom: You mean you need help learning to swim?
Child: Yes!
Mom: Let’s get you some lessons then.
Child: I can’t figure out this homework!
Mom: Do you mean you need help?
Child: No, I know how to do it, I just keep getting the wrong result.
Mom: Oh, so you mean you need more time to do the homework?
Child: (Puts on headphones. . .)
Child: I can’t clean up my room.
Mom: Do you mean you need some help?
Child: Mom! NO! Don’t . . .
Mom: So you need more time?
Child: Ugh! Why do you have to do that?
Mom: Oh. Gotcha. You don’t want to clean your room.
(They loved these conversations. Really. They did.)
Bigger Examples
Here’s an example.
Old Thinking: We can’t change oppressive laws.
New Thinking: If we are going to change oppressive laws, we are going to need a lot of help.
OT: We can’t do anything about homelessness.
NT: I’m committed to spending the time necessary to bring about a solution to inadequate housing.
OT: We can’t make cupcakes without icing.
NT: I have absolutely no desire to bake a cupcake that is destined for nudity. I want cupcakes with icing or no cupcakes at all!
Language Matters!
Sure, there are some things that don’t fit into the simple formula I used to teach my kids to see growth opportunities rather than insurmountable obstacles. But what if we did consider some of these social injustices with that mindset. What if we refused to say “can’t” when discussing seemingly hopeless ills? What if we believed, for example, “We can address poverty, with the support of others. It will take time. It will take patience. But we CAN do it.”
The words we use matter. When we declare incapability, our brain moves on to consider other needs. Why waste time on impossibilities! So let’s start thinking of ways we can overcome our challenges rather than resulting to that ugly 4-letter word, okay?
