Children go through a phase when they are absurdly preoccupied with what is and is not fair to them (“to them” being the operative phrase). Like adults, kids often notice little injustices they are experiencing with much greater clarity than they do the very real inequities that impact others. When my kids were young, I tried a lot of things to combat these declarations. Here are three effective responses to the “It’s Not Fair!” argument.
The Fair only comes once a year.
Question: “How come Favorite Child gets to do it and I don’t? That’s not fair!”
Response: “True. But then the fair only comes once a year. It’s not September, so you are out of luck.”
Alternative Response for September: “True. But it is September, so there’s still time. . . “
Sarcastic and flippant, yes, but this response doesn’t leave much room for discussion. If I tried to explain why the circumstances had nothing to do with fairness, thinking naively that I could educate them into understanding, I’d get caught in a dizzying loop.
Child: “How come he gets to do it and I don’t? That’s not fair!”
Me: “Well his friend invited him, and yours didn’t.”
Child: “Well I could invite my friend.”
Me: “Then I would have to drive.”
Child: “You always drive Favorite Child! That’s not fair!”
Me: “That is inaccurate.”
Child: “It is not.”
Repeat ad infinitum until I finally give in and let the child do what I don’t want them to do while setting a precedent that whining is okay. “The Fair only comes once a year” response communicates that the conversation is over.
What a wonderful thing!
In general, things are easier in the US than they are in many parts of the world. I’m not saying that we don’t have deep and toxic problems here; I’m just saying that in the US, for the majority of children, access to healthcare, nutrition, and education are within reach. Sadly, for those in the US outside that privilege, they are often too traumatized by the circumstances of life to consider whether or not things are fair.
If your kids are in the majority, here’s one response that works well.
Setting: Something is happening that the child does not like. The child becomes obsessively self-absorbed and focuses on the apparent injustices she is experiencing.
Child: It’s not fair!
Parent: What a wonderful thing!
Child: ?
Parent: If things were truly fair in this world your life would be much harder.
Child: huh?
Parent: True story. Many kids in the world are hungry, uneducated, and sick.
Child: [Rolls eyes, throws up hands, and walks away.]
When I had little kids, it was a little harder to illustrate this truth than it is now. With google a tap away, you can now pull up photos to prove your point. Of course, consider the age and personalities of your children before sharing shocking photos. It can be a little much and err on the side of caution.
Tell me more about that.
Sometimes, the child complaining of inequity is really saying something else. I find that one of the best ways to uncover the real problem is to say, “Tell me more about that.” The key is, you really have to give the child your full attention. I promise it’s more efficient to stop what you’re doing and focus on communicating with your kiddo. You can certainly say that you need 10 minutes to tie things up first; that’s only . . . you know . . . fair. But then, don’t take more than the stated time to give the child your attention. It might happen like this.
Child: It’s not fair that her friends always invite her over!
Parent: Tell me more about that.
Child: No one ever invites me over!
Parent: [resists urge to point out the time the child was invited to so-and-so’s event] Tell me more about that.
Child: I want to go visit friends today.
Parent: So you’re frustrated because you wanted to visit friends today?
Child: Well, yes.
Parent: Would it help if your sister did not go to her friend’s house?
Child: [thinks about this] Uh yeah! If I don’t get to go, she shouldn’t either.
Parent: Tell me more about that…
It’s tedious, I know, but it really is more productive than arguing over it. Often the child just wants to be heard. Sometimes exhaustion, hunger, or approaching illness is the problem. So, listen. At the very least, you’ve spent some time really hearing your child and that’s always a good idea.
