In my church‘s newsletter I shared a poem by Andrea Gibson. Andrea went by the pronouns they/them and in my newsletter I referenced them as she/her.
Stop. Don’t roll your eyes. It matters.
Look, I was slow to come to the correct pronoun discussion. Correct grammar is among my favorite topics: I can spot a split infinitive and a dangling modifier without breaking a sweat. But grammar is not the point. Also, correct grammar and word use is not as straight forward as we might think.
For example, in the 1700s, the word “commode” meant a cabinet, not a flushing toilet. Yet how many of us would encourage our children to put their dishes away in the kitchen commode? See! The consequences of not changing your language with the times could be pretty gross, right?
Also, the pronoun “you” was not always singular. That’s why many of us memorized the Lord’s Prayer saying “hallowed be thy name. . .” and “thy will be done.” There’s more, but you get the point, right? Language changes.
Here’s my current take on the preferred pronoun debate: call people what they ask you to call them. That’s the most loving thing. And yes, you will make mistakes–such as I did last week in this newsletter. When that happens, recognize and acknowledge your error, ask for forgiveness from yourself and others, then move on. Practice the toddler method of self change: fall down, get up, repeat.
I can’t stress enough how important it is that we call people what they ask to be called. Sure, not everyone cares. You can call my niece Anna Kate Willis by Anna Kate or Kate or AK and she’ll be just fine. We have another family friend named Kate though and she is absolutely NOT a Katherine or a Katy. She’s Kate. If you call her Kathy, she’ll correct you. And she should. People deserve to be called the names they choose.
Beyond that, and maybe I should have started here, I’m pretty sure Jesus Christ wouldn’t be sitting on the side of a mountain debating the use of a pronoun. I think Jesus would ask the question, “What is the best way for the person before me to feel heard, respected, and loved?” He wouldn’t be saying, “How can I best explain the problem with non-gendered pronouns to this person before I respond in a loving way?”
Want more reasons to use names preferred by the groups they reference?
- Check out this history of terms that describe Black people.
- Here’s an article about the use of language referencing people with disabilities.
- Single woman above the age of 25? Here are some words used to identify you in times past.
And if none of that works, take a look at the Golden Rule. Then imagine you in a situation where someone is calling you the wrong name and refusing to correct themselves.
- Maybe you’re a teacher and your students start calling you by the nickname your friends use.
- Perhaps you’re a parent and your kids start calling you by your title: Dr. Smith or Elder Jones.
- Imagine a doctor walking in to talk to a patient who is a grown man and calling him “Little fella.”
So, please accept my apology for using the wrong pronoun for Andrea Gibson. I’m learning. And when I know better, I will do my best to do better.
